1.     Hire a lawyer.

This just has to be number one on our list.  The price of an attorney is well worth not having points on your driving record or having your monthly car insurance premiums skyrocket.  Traffic court cases can get very complicated, and it’s always best to have appropriate counsel and representation.

2.     Dress appropriately.

Most judges are sticklers for appropriate dress.  It’s not just the lawyer’s job to dress up for court; it’s expected from everyone.  What you’re wearing will make an impression on the judge, so do yourself a favor and dress in a way that reflects your respect for the court and your respect for yourself.

3.     Show up early.

Showing up early may be the best way to jump the line and skip the long, long wait.  This could also give you an opportunity to appear before the judge before his or her patience gets worn thin by other defendants.

4.     Turn off your cell phone.

What’s the best way to annoy a judge?  By having your cell phone ring during court!  This one should be a no-brainer.  Make sure you remember to turn it off.

​5.     Call the judge “your honor.”

​Court is a formal environment.  Make sure you refer to the judge as “your honor,” not by Mr. or Ms. Insert-last-name-here.  Not only will this make you appear respectful, it will also make you seem more eloquent.

A successful defense attorney who grew up in Waynesboro, Virginia, once told me that in Waynesboro, it is still illegal for a woman to drive a car up Main Street unless her husband is walking in front of the car and waving a red flag.  I can only imagine there must be some kind of story behind the passing of this law many years ago, and I wish I knew what that story was.  Here are 10 more weird laws that are still on the books in Virginia:

1.     Expectorating in public places

Yes, that means spitting.  Spitting in any public area in Virginia, such as a sidewalk or a public stairwell, is categorized as a Class 4 misdemeanor.

2.     Prohibition against the use of substances injurious to fish

Apparently, it is illegal to use explosives to catch fish in Virginia.  Doing so could slap you with a Class 1 misdemeanor.

3.     Fornication

It is still illegal for unmarried persons to make whoopie in the Commonwealth.

4.     Only genuine Smithfield hams are to be labeled or advertised as such

That’s right.  If it ain’t from Smithfield, it’s unlawful to label your salted pork a Smithfield ham.

5.     Sale of speleothems

Speleothems, such as stalagmites and stalactites, are mineral deposits formed in caves.  Limestone speleothems grow extremely slowly- usually less than 10 centimeters every thousand years- so it kind of makes sense that if you break and sell one of these bad boys, you’ll be charged with a Class 1 misdemeanor.

6.     Underwater property recovery

It is illegal to remove any underwater historical specimen without a permit, including at underwater refuse sites or shipwrecks.

7.     Shooting birds for amusement and renting premises for such purposes

This law is not about hunting.  This law makes it illegal to keep live birds, such as pigeons, for use as targets during target practice.  Apparently this was enough of a problem in the past to make it a criminal offence.

8.     Flame throwers and smoke screens on motor vehicles

It is a Class 6 felony to attach a smoke screen or a flame thrower to one’s vehicle which may be a hindrance or obstruction to traffic.

9.    In Richmond, it is illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to determine who pays for coffee.

10.    In Culpepper, it is illegal to wash one’s mule on the sidewalk.